Nostalgic...The Shit We Remember...
I couldn`t sleep last night. I said something to someone that I shouldn`t have said. You know who you are, and if you`re reading this, I just want to apologize, I`ve opened myself to you, and let you see the raw inside of my self, and I don`t do that for a lot of people. I have so many walls and guards put up, that I come off sometimes as someone I`m not. But you`re breaking those walls quickly, and I want to shout out, on here, in front of all my readers, that I think very highly of you, and feel honoured that I`ve gotten a chance to meet you.
With that said. Last night I couldn`t stop thinking about things in the past. Not bad things, but memories that I cherish. So I decided to jot a few down here, and share a few of the memories I have of childhood, teenage years and adult years as well.
When I was a kid, lived in a house with 12 people in total. 5 adults, including my dad and 7 of us kids. I have to say I miss those days, when everything was simple. I miss my cousins being my best friends. I miss how close I was with Lisa, Trista too. But I regret the years and the distance that has become between Lisa and I the most. She used to be my best friend, we shared everything together. And now we barely speak. I hope one day that we can mend and become close again.
I remember playing in the gully, catching cray fish and putting them in our little kiddie pool. I remember getting burnt as kids and we`d sit in a row and peel each others backs lmao, or taking turns drawing on everyones backs, brushing each others hair. Our basement parties we used to have, and being scared of the room with the caged door, where all the bats lived. I remember bats getting in the house and Aunt Barb getting one in her hair.
I remember falling off my bike, and a guy in a truck picking me up and taking me home, and the reaction Aunt Barb had when she saw my bike in the back of some strangers truck and didn`t see me. And the hug she gave me when she realized I was in the cab. I felt so loved, and important. Like I had a mom. She told me once that I slept walked in her rom, walking back and forth infront of her dresser mirror giggling at myself, then ran back to my bed.
I remember baths in the big claw foot tub. Drawing a picture of my dad, for my dad, and he hung it on the wall just inside his bedroom door. I remember curing up in my dads legs watching cartoons in he morning, and watching him peel grapefruits and sharing them with me. I remember fishing with my dad and our daddy daughter date nights to the movies.
I remember Ian eating his money because he thought it would be safe in him, then him throwing it up and me yelling to dad "Dad, Ian`s puking pennies!!". Tobogganing in the back yard, picking raspberries and blackberries. Climbing the cherry trees. The play house Uncle paul built us in the back yard. Having bike races down the driveway. Walking to school as a group cause we got kicked off the bus. The school fight that was started over a knife in the cheese whiz jar LOL Running into a screen door and hearing my dad laugh at me. Getting bunnies.
Sleeping with Gramma. Wearing her shoes cause she was so tiny and my feet were as big as hers. Watching Inspector gadget with her. Gramma`s Sgetti. Playing in Grammas garden, running to the corner store for her. The baby chicks and chickens in her garage. Family gatherings and water fights at her house. The butterfly magnets on her fridge.
Collecting nuts with Grampa, fire snakes and bom fires. Sitting on Grampas lap and him reading to me. Playing games with him. The doll house I was allowed to play with and the black car that was my fave. The doll house in mom`s old room, I wasn`t allowed to touch. Finding candy next to my bed in the morning that Grandma had left as a treat. Grandma`s cinnamon toast in the morning. Feeling like a big kid when I was allowed in the basement to watch the adults play pool. Choking on a hot ball, and Grampa giving me the heimlich maneuver on the side of the road. Living in the apartment with mom, and my bedroom being a curtained off portion of the dining room. Moms van getting stolen, and me being so upset that my fave shirt was in the van and I wouldn`t be able to wear it again. Riding my pink tricycle up and down the street collect rocks in the bucket and releasing them over the edge of the mountain. Poking holes in moms water bed with a pin and giggling from all the spraying water. The german sheppards following my every step. Catcha having puppies in the dining room. Mom finding a yogurt in my play fridge and asking me where I got it, and me telling her that was my milk from last week. HAHA grose! Riding the motorcycles. Watching mom drop her bike behind us, and the sheer terror I felt, screaming, and Wes telling me to stay on the bike. Thinking my mom was gone. Wondering into the middle of traffic in shock. Stepping on moms sun glasses.
Stealing cookie doe from the fridge and dad telling me I`ll get worms. The doll Linda made me the first time we met, it was a big as I was. How much I loved having an older sister, and bugg`n the shit out of her. Getting handcuffed to her ankle! HA! Her fish tank. Watching her wait for the school bus in the morning, and not being able to wait till I got to go to high school too.
Walking to Angelas house. Hanging out on the church steps, cause it was Stockdale and there was nothing else to do. Having birthday sleep over with Sara & Angela. Chores. Smoking down my the river so my dad wouldn`t find out. Our cocker spaniel Dutchess. Biking to Trenton from Stockdale down Stockdale road to see Troy, and his mom driving me home with my bike in the trunk. Smoking out my bedroom window.
Troy winning an arm wrestling contest and his hug in front of the whole school. Semi-formal. Skipping school and going to Troy`s house for the day. The car accident on hwy 69. Home alone at Dwaine`s house ;) The notes our parents would find. Music class. Grease, the school play. So many things I can`t mention here HAHA ;)
Poutine with mayo & ketchup as CSS. Candice & Crystal. Walking to school 2 km everyday. Hanging out under the bridge and just party`n, being kids. The trip to Wonderland with Trista, Matt & Brandon. Moving in with my sister. Dropping out of school. Learning to drive in Adams mustang. The many accidents in Adams mustang.
Moving to Bolton with Dad, him offering me a chance to go back to school. Thomas, Tara and that whole gang. Chill` at the coffee shops, high out of our birds. The many many parties. Meeting Scott from a truth or dare game. Working at RadioShack. Moving into my first apartment, and the spiders....spraying bleach on the bright purple walls making them blue and purple. 10 people in the tiny bathroom, hot boxing! Working at the old age home. Moving to New Brunswick. The SWAT team for the murder next door. Down east Donaire pizza....oh my GOD!!! YUM!!
Christmas night, finding out I was pregnant. The call to my dad. Moving back home to be closer to family. Watching my belly move. Re-uniting with Troy 8 months pregnant.
....thats enough for now...my nostalgic has run out for the time being...Sorry if its a boring read. I kind just went on a roll.
Deciding to Write Again
I guess it comes down to needing to get things out of my head, so I decided I should re-open my blog, and let the words flow from my finger tips again. All the poetry and such that I had here before has been removed. My life has changed so much in the last year, that I think a clean page is in order. There was a lot of sadness and anger in my life before, and thats not the case anymore. I guess I`ll start my fresh blog with letting you in on some of the changes.
I was in a seriously bad relationship. Those of you that know me, or who had read my blog in the past know that the relationship was very one sided, unhealthy, and my life was in serious need of change. I won`t dwell on the past, or what happened. But I will say I finally realized that enough was enough, and I left my common law spouse of 11 years. Him and I have an amazing little girl together though, and I`m so grateful for her. She`s my world, and I live to make her a better person then I am, or that her father is. So far, I think I`ve laid down a pretty good foundation. Although sometimes I doubt myself to be a great mother. But at this moment, my daughter is shining, and that has to reflect that I`m doing something right. Her father and I still stay in contact, and stay civil for her sake. And are making an attempt to be friends. How well that will work out, is beyond me. But if you know me at all, you will know that I am a fighter, and I give 110% of myself to try to make things work and make others happy. And if I can salvage even a small simple friendship from those 11 years, then those 11 years wont have been a waste.
My mother and I have also reunited. If you`ve ben here before, you`ll know that our relationship had always been pretty rocky, or just plain non-existant. But almost two years ago, she reached out and sent a letter my way. I was unsure with what to do with that. Did I want to contact her again, and risk her walking away from my life again? or do I just ignore it? Something told me that it was the time in my life, to respond to her and hope for the best, and with that, I did. I`m so glad I did. My mom and I have never been closer, we have a very strong relationship now. I guess we both needed the time to grow up, and realize who exactly we were and what we wanted and needed in life. We both needed our space. And in having that, I can honestly say that now, my mom is one of my best friends. I have no fear in telling her how I feel, how I`m living, my thoughts, my joys, my fears. Theres no secrets there. Its amazing. We`ve had many conversations that have lasted hours, we`ve laid everything out on the table, we`ve let each other know our problems, why we ere the way we were, and what we promise to try to accomplish for the future. She and my daughter love each other, and I think my daughter brings the inner child out in my mom, its nice to see. And I`m so happy that my mom can be free like that with her, and that my daughter has her Gramma in her life now. I think having my daughter in her life, gives her back a piece of the childhood she missed with me. Mom if you`re reading this. I love you, and I`m so proud of you and us and how far we have come together. I`ll always remember our tree and the promises it holds.
I guess you could say I had my cup of tea in the military...or however that saying is said. Anyway. I had been fighting to get in the military for 3 years. I finally got accepted, and went to BMQ. From there...my entire world started to fall apart...and rebuild. Not just with the military but also with my relationship. Unfortunately, the military and I didn`t last long. I fucked up and got hurt, I didn`t take the proper steps to save the career, and I was released. I have never been so disappointed in myself, ever. I still hate that things turned out that way. I feel like a failure, and that I let down my little girl. But theres not much I can do about it at the moment. I may re-try in a couple years, we`ll see. But right now, the scar is to fresh, and the bad taste is still left in my mouth. I won`t go to much into detail as to what happened, but it wasn`t pretty. My parents say they`re still proud of me that I tried, my friends say the same. But it doesn`t cover the fact that I failed, I guess it was really a bitter sweet time in life. Anyway. After being released, I went home, and just wasn`t the same person anymore.
Being part of the military for that short amount of time, had really made me open my eyes, that I was better then I was giving myself credit for. I realized that I deserved better then what I was being given at home. I realized that I could stand on my own two feet and be who I wanted to be, I could be strong, and be myself. I could shoot for my dreams and didn`t have to be held down. I deserved to live, not be confined in the cage I was currently in. So thats what I did. I free`d myself and my daughter. I left the situation...up and out, cleanly. Packed my bags, then packed my and her things, and left. Period.
And in doing that. I fell in love with my high school sweetheart. I`ve always loved him, and we`ve always had an on again off again relationship. But it wasn`t until I left my ex, that I fully realized how perfect he is for me. How we were meant to be together. We now live together, and are recently engaged :) He asked me to marry him July 25th, at the place we first met, our high school. He had a limo pick me up, and take me to the high school, where he had left notes all over the hall ways. The last note lead me to the stage where we had our first class together (music), and when I got there, he walked out from behind the curtain and got on one knee. I don`t think I`ve ever been so scared and so happy at the same time. I was trembling and crying. Of course I said Yes :) Our wedding date is set for January 25th 2013.
Being with him makes me feel like I`m 14 all over again. He`s a pilot and works with the UN. He`s in Afganistan 6 months a year, which makes it hard. But the 6 months thats he`s home, we`re together 24 hours a day, and every time he`s home, he steals my heart all over again. I`ve never been so happy, just thinking about him when he`s not here gives me butterflies. He`s a great influence on my daughter, and she absolutely loves him! It helps that he`s known her since she was still in my belly, its made the transition for her much smoother. For me too.
It wasn`t until recently, a guess a couple months ago now, that I still felt that maybe, I wasn`t quiet sure if taking my daughter away from her father was the right thing. Yes, I was happier, but was she? Was is a good decision for her? And now I know it was. A couple months ago she said to me (and to refresh you memory, she`s 8) "Mommy, you`re so much more beautiful now", I asked her what she meant and she said "You`re so happy now, I think that when Daddy hurt you it was a good thing that we moved out because now you`re so happy you just more beautiful."....Wow eh! I cried. I hugged her, I thanked her. And with that, a huge weight was lifted from me. I let go of all the worries, and all the anger I had inside for her father. I just let it all go. I knew in that moment that I had made the right decision. Her father actually told me today, "Over the last few months, I`ve seen a huge change in both you and her. Its nice to see how happy you are, and she is. I wish I could have done that for you. I still hurts to see what I`ve lost, but you`re doing a great job, with her, and yourself.".
And here I am today. Happier then I`ve ever been. More in love then I`ve ever been. A better mother then I`ve been able to be. Have a stronger relationship with both my child and my mother. And am privileged to marry my best friend. The man I`ve loved since I was 14.
And there it is. My first post of my fresh new blog. Now that you`re up to date with my life, I`ll start jotting down fresh memories, and new poetry.
